Back and Moving On

This would have been our 15th or 16th week. Second trimester? Yes, I think that should be about right. I stopped counting a while back already. I had my D&C procedure last 18th of September 2011. My third miscarriage in the span of 1 year and 2 months. Taking quite a toll on my body and also my heart...

I THINK I have moved on. Sudah redha dan sudah move on. Insya Allah..

When it first dawned on me that it was not meant to be (again) this time, I felt more confused than anything else. So, here's the story.. (I just had to pen it down for myself. So bear with me, ya)

I spotted some bleeding that Thursday night of 15th September 2011. Multiple small spots of bloody stains. I was just glad I got to complete my Puasa Enam. Was supposed to beraya sakan thereafter. I started to get an uneasy seeing the similarities in my previous experience. Talked it over with my husband, spoke over the phone with Lily. We decided that it's best that I rest and get it checked as soon as I could.

We had the MASiF rehearsals that night, kids were supposed to be at KLCC concourse area by 10pm. After the rehearsals were over, we headed back to Ziezi's house for a sleepover. I didn't feel quite right about it. So, Ziezi and Zurin took me to Gleneagle's A&E at around 1am. The MO told me to rest, to take it slow. I asked if there were anything that they could give me to stop the bleeding for sure, which by that time wasn't that much anyways. She said that there are some things that could be prescribed, but she'd rather if I waited for my OB/GYN's advice. In any case, they can't really tell that much until an ultrasound is done to see the current condition of the fetus. So, OK lah. We went home.

The next day, the bleeding seemed to stop, it reduced to brown discharges and I went about my business as usual. Kids had a lot of fun during the MASiF festival but unfortunately, around Maghrib time that day, I noticed that the bleeding was back with a vengeance. We headed to Pantai A&E and the MO consulted my OB/GYN - I was administered an injection to the butt and was admitted for the night.

Next morning, Dr Hamid came to see me. He said to be sure, we need to do an ultrasound and the next course of action will depend on the results. It the embryo was stable, then he would suggest a week's worth of bed rest. Which means - stay at home, on the bed, leaving only if you need to pee and such.

I was wheeled for Ultrasound in my pajamas. Alone this time. Hubs was still at home and making his way to the hospital. Wah! Masa tu, perasaan memang tak keruan. I was, obviously, fearing the worst. When the radiologist was taking more time than I thought she should, I knew for sure, my nightmare had turned into a reality.

Dillz: "You tak jumpa ke?"
Radiologist: "Why do you say that?"
Dillz: "My uterus is retroverted, so it's quite hard to locate it"
She smiled and said, "Let me check for a while"
Jantung aku dah dup.dap.dup.dap. kencang gila.
She went about taking multiple positions, stopping and scanning and moving the probe around my belly once again. The silence was deafening.
Radiologist: "I'm sorry, but I can't seem to find the fetus. The sac is empty."
Dillz: "Blighted ovum, ya?"
Radiologist: "Seems that way. I'm sorry"
"It's OK" was what I heard I say out loud, but it really was NOT OK...

I BBMed my husband straight away. I appeared OK; I guess, but the emotions that was really bottled in me was really intense and confusing. Rasa nak menangis, but not even one tear materialized. I guess it was just waiting for Azrul to get there and hug me and tell me that it will all be OK.

Wheeled back to my room, to my waiting adik bongsu who kept me company for the night. Just told her that it was not meant to be and I patiently waited. He was there within a few minutes, but it really felt like eternity. As soon as he hugged me, whispering that "It's OK, dah tak ada rezeki", the tears came pouring down like I just turned on the tap. I was crying and sobbing, finally letting me feel my loss.

So, itulah ceritanya. Blighted ovum.


What that means in layman terms is that the fetus did not develop at all. I only had a growing sac in my uterus, with nothing inside. Not a blob, no heartbeat, nothing. It's one of the common reasons for early-term miscarriages. Dah memang tak ada rezeki. So, saya pun redha lah.

Buat masa ni, I am on a break. My uterus obviously needs it. Only time can tell whether temporary mahupun permanent. ;)

-dillz blogging out-

There's Something Baking in the Oven

Alhamdulillah. Just discovered that I am pregnant with my fourth child last Friday. How I actually took the test is another drama in itself. (Typical me, apa yang tak dramanya)

I wasn't feeling too well last Friday, with my sore throat and had a fever developing. But, I had an interview with my auditee that I just could not cancel at the office. So, kugagahkan juga untuk bekerja. Tengah hari comes and the throat is getting sore-er and the temperature had gone higher. I felt miserable - must've looked like shite too. At one point I had my hoodie up and my hands tucked in the hoodie jacket coz it felt so cold.

On the same day, we had a sembahyang sunat tasbih for the muslimah scheduled at work. A very special once-in-a-year type of event that I didn't wanna miss. The seminar room was filled to the brim, it kinda reminded me of my days in STF. Lagi pulak the ustazah was excellent! Sangat syahdu. Especially masa dia baca doa. Memang mengundang air mata, maka dengan itu teresak-esaklah daku menangis. So, conclusion is my emotions memang dah tak stabil at that moment. What with my sore throat and fever. Nak telan air liur pun took a lot of effort. Sakit. Every single time.

Sangat emo. Sangat, sangat emo.

After some poking by my BFFs - Mira and Kynne, I decided that I would then go back to the doctor and get some antibiotics for the infection. But, since I was 4-5days late, I asked the doctor to run a pregnancy test so that he could prescribe me with the right kind of antibiotics that would be safe for pregnant ladies. Maka, kubuatlah test itew. And alhamdulillah, positif. :) I took the home test just this morning and the Clearblue pee stick showed a very strong + sign that indicated that I am indeed pregnant. Yeay!

Anyhoots, I am taking extra caution this time around in view of my 2 miscarriages last year in August and October. It doesn't hurt to be extra careful, kan?

So, the plan of action is as follows:
1. Make an appointment to see Dr Hamid Arshat as soon as possible. He might want to prescribe me with some other medicine as well as the normal dosage of folic acid and/or obimin and what have yous.
2. Jangan merenyah. Kena maintain ayu until at least the first trimester is over. That means I need to walk less and not carry any heavy items.
3. Sort out my remaining PT classes. Have to postphone it till the baby is here.
4. Just relax and enjoy my time. With loads of tidur. Lots and lots of sleeping. I loike. (Kudapat rasakan yang Imma be very tired most of the time. Dah berumur lah katakan)

Here's to a healthy and smooth pregnancy. Insya Allah...

-dillz blogging out-

Fourth Time A Charm

I have been a little anxious these past few weeks.
One : Coz I am late.
Two: The pee stick always says it's a NEGATIVE.

Alhamdulillah, the fourth test yesterday after 17 days past my mensus was due revealed that it was indeed a POSITIVE and that the 4th KHA bun is baking in the oven as we speak. :)

-dillz blogging out-

So Much To Do, So Little Time

I thought I had planned it all out quite nicely.. But, still.. I am finding that I am still trying to conjure time to finish off my To- Do list. It is already 2.30am on 7 Nov and I have these to complete by 7am:

1. Finish this blog entry (heh heh heh)

2. Finish packing my hospital bag for mommy and baby (What? Still not ready?)

3. Complete my second round of sembahyang Hajat and Taubat.

4. Slot in a little more sleep before 5.30am.

5. Take a good shower while remembering to carry out the 'selusuh' tips from my mom.

6. Read out 2 surahs to help with pain management after Subuh.

7. Down the raw 'telur kampung' concoction before leaving for the hospital.

It's a good thing I managed to finish off my beauty routine last night. All in good time before my dinner rendezvous with hubby at Nirwana in Bangsar -- Ooh.. the peria goeng is just so heavenly! Be assured that those needed to be removed has been removed; and those needed to be gone are temporarily gone. Even managed to buff my nails before dinner!

Aah... and you think going into labour is easy..

PS: BTW, anybody has the number of a good makcik urut for post natal? Must be willing to come to Pantai Hillpark area by herself (not needing pick-up) and does not cost a bomb!

-dillz blogging out-

Countdown Begins

Am already on MC. I have been on and off from work since last week, actually. Working a bit at home and a bit more in the office, just to get away from the kids. Am actually finishing off my last assignment before I take my 2-month maternity! Weh-hey!! Can't wait...

A LOTTTTT has happened since my last post. I mean, Harry Potter? Come on... heh heh heh.. So, for that I am very very sorry..

Since our cuti-cuti Malaysia and Singapore trips, plus my facebook discovery , plus work (I know, lame..), plus raya, plus my hubby's sinus surgery, plus getting ready for the new kid on the block plus getting my beauty routine done before the delivery.. I have been pretty busy..

Contractions are already present, though far between.. Due to be induced on November 7th, 2007. Might check in here sooner, though..

Khaleeda, be a good girl and make it easy for mummy...

Ya Allah, berikan aku kekuatan utk menghadapi pengalaman ini..

Amin..

Ya Rabbal-alamin...

..and guys, sorry for everything.. I am going for a battle soon..

-dillz blogging out-

Rendezvous in Redang

Had a well deserved break in Redang with the nucleous family plus some. My mom, my dad, my baby sister and my maid were there too. My 'tan-kuda of a brother was supposed to follow the Rombongan Che Kiah but couldn't make it due to work commitments. :( Boo-hoo.. But, we had to get on with the program anyways and left him behind!

The trip started with us boarding the Sani Express (owned by Sani of the now defunct Impressions boy-band) to Kuala Terengganu from Shah Alam. The seat was mighty comfortable and the kids were actually enjoying it. Nevermind the fact that they were asleep about 80% of the 8-9 hour journey. Khaleeq, on that day discovered his love for his hooded Thomas jacket -- he couldn't live without it now..

The ferry/boat transfer to the island took a little longer than I expected - enough to make my stomach squirm and for Khadra to spill a little of her guts onto her Aki. heh heh heh. Sorry, dad.. The lodging that welcomed us was actually quite pleasant. No fancy schmanzy stuff; just the basic room with bed and shower, a self-service canteen that rings a meal bell when food is served - along with a 24-hour bread and hot beverage counter, a scuba/snorkel centre, a tv area near the pub that magically turned into a karaoke parlour / disco come night-time plus 2 stores where we get our daily ice-cream fix from. The 3-days, 2-nights package even includes 3 complimentary snorkeling trip per person.

Lots of fun in the sea, the sand and the sun. (which explains my mysterious tan) The kids actually ended up swimming in the sea with their arm floaties (literally) , the big 'uns indulged in deep water snorkelling and we even took our mom and dad for a private karaoke session at the Laguna resort nearby. By the end of the period, Khaleeq was not willing to leave the island, Khadra wants to do this many more times and I was just glad we got the transfer back to mainland on the speedboat this time. :)

3-days, 2-night package in Redang Pelangi Resort= RM380 per head. Sani Express for a KL-Kuala Terengganu return trip = RM63 pax. Boat transfer from Merang jetty to the island = RM10 per person. Khadra saying, "Thank you mom, for taking us to the beach" before she closed her eyes to sleep that night = PRICELESS.

-dillz blogging out-

A Little Teaser

Hi-ya peeps! I am back.. (I hope) It's just that we've been pretty busy, lately.. Doing what, you may ask? See below! (among others...)

We just came back from Redang late last Sunday, so... I have to say that I have been a little tied these past few weeks. That plus the fact that my cough + asthma is really getting on my nerves. By the time I get back from work I'd be too lazy and tired to do anything else but laze in the sofa and watch whatever's on the idiot box. Eventhough it's on Channel 77. I am that bummed out!!!

It kinda explains why I have not been updating my blog. Sorry to those who have been checking up on me and left feeling a little dejected. It's not you.. It's me.. All me..

I will try to keep up with the postings.. So many things to write about, so many tags to do.. In fact, just last night I had the classic case of hit-and-run.. Those skanky Ind*s - nevermind them, will elaborate later. Just don't you dare give up on me. Check in soon, will ya?

-dillz blogging out-

Lotion Commotion

I have this thing about finishing something completely before opening up a new package. For example, I try to finish up (till the very last drop of) my shower gel. Then, I'll open up the cap and add some water in the bottle to dissolve the remaining 'usable' portion. And one last shower with the diluted and soapy shower gel before I finally toss the whole thing into the wastepaper basket conveniently located in my bathroom. Aaahh.. Another well-used toiletries item. Good till the last drop! *literally* Then, and only then will I open up the stocked replacement of the said toiletries item.

It just so happens that I was looking out for lotions to smother on my bulging belly to avoid the unsightly stretchmarks and to my surprise, I gathered the following:

AAAARRRGGGHHHH! 8 containers of lotions of varied brands, textures and degree of 'finish'ness. All opened, none finished. Double AAAARRRGGGHHHH! It contradicts all that I have been so anal about!

We have (from far left, going clockwise) : Boots' ante-natal massage cream, Marks & Spencer's Waterlily Hand and Body Lotion, The Body Shop's Soya Dry Oil Mist, The Body Shop's Almond & Honey Body Lotion, The Body Shop's Honey Body Butter, The Body Shop's White Musk Moisturizing Satin Spray, The Body Shop's Cocoa Butter Mosturizing Stick and lastly, The Body Shop's Vitamin C Stimulating Body Smoother. The thing is, some of these have been in my keeping since 3 years back --> cue the ante-natal massage cream. :( I wonder if they are still good to be used. As long as it smells OK and I don't get rashes over it, I'll just use it, lah. And this time, I'd better finish it!

Excuse me while I strategize on which one to finish up first and that sweet smelling Strawberry Body Butter from The Body Shop would have to wait until ALL these are gone! Sheesh!

*updated* Just discovered three more bottles of lotion located in my office, hubby's office and in my bathroom!

-dillz blogging out-

I Am Not Fat..

... I am preggers! :) This explains my huge appetite in Penang.. (NOT!!!)

Just found this out this afternoon after I consulted the in-house GP at Menara TM Medical Centre. (after a little pestering from Lily, nonetheless) I sorta expected it when I was a little over a week late - I am never "late", you know... So, I told hubby about my suspicions over the weekend and he just laughed and said, "Youla, pandai sangat kira...". We were kinda planning to have one next year, but year-end is almost next year, right? heh heh heh

The pregnancy is about 6 weeks old now and the Expected Delivery Date is the 25th of November 2007. So far so good... No morning sicknesses, eating like there is no tomorrow.. heh heh heh I need to stock up on my Ventolin Inhaler though, seeing that I have had pretty bad asthma attacks during my previous pregnancies. Just found out that my 2nd and 3rd inhalers have expired in 2005 and 2006. Hah!

We are already thinking about names - it has to start with KH, must have a good meaning and be only one word. So far we have Khaidi, Khayrin, Khayrel.. So, if you have some great suggestions; do tell me. (Please don't come to me with Khaldun and Khadam, okay?) We have a loong time to decide on one. :)

-dillz blogging out-