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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

We Didn't Make It (This Time)

I was experiencing slight bleeding last weekend. It got me worried that we headed to the Emergency Dept in Pantai Hospital, KL. They reconfirmed my pregnancy with a urine test and proceeded to take a syringe-ful of blood for a Full Blood Count. They results came in as everything was normal. I was prescribed some hormones to stop the bleeding and was then to go for a check up with my gynea the next week.

Next week came and I had an appointment with Dr. Hamid Arshat this morning.I was shuffling my work schedule around, thinking that I could make it to the 11.30 meeting with an auditee and the one scheduled later at 2.30pm. All in good time.

Was I wrong.

As soon as we got the doctor up to speed with everything, he summoned me to the ultrasound room. He always started with some doa and that always calms me down. He was very matter of fact about it. Short and clean. Told me that "the uri dah pecah-pecah. The sac is also irregular in shape. I think we'll put you down for D&C this evening at 3.30pm".

Suddenly I realized how things may not be OK. Things can so easily go wrong. It was only after a few seconds that it actually dawned on me that I would be losing my baby. No one could hold back my tears then. It was just streaming down... I was just glad I did not have to go through that moment alone. That I had my husband beside me to keep me strong.

Dr Hamid said, "Walaupun kita bersedih, we have to remember that this may be the best for you and the baby." I knew that, but it was good to hear it out loud. I guess I was more taken aback by it all. I was expecting to go right back to work that same morning, so this D&c was definitely not part of the plan. It kinda throws everything back and your plan for the day, for the next two weeks down the drain. I guess I am still coming to terms with what went on in the consultation room. Plus the anxiety and not knowing what to expect in a D&C procedure.

Just let me have a moment to mourn for my loss, and Insya Allah I will be OK.

-dillz blogging out-

25 comments:

Rin said...

Salam,

I'm so sorry to hear the news. :( Hang in there and bnyk bersabar ye. Get well soon.

Didie said...

Kak Dilla, be strong ok. I had one miscarriage before my 2nd child. Yes, I was really sad and upset. And I can't stopped thinking where did I go wrong?? But my gynae said early miscarriage is normal and never blame yourself for it. Insya Allah ada rezeki lain.

Take care and rest banyak2. *Hugs*

Honey said...

Hi dilz..sad to read this. It was the same scenario that I had 4 months..same feelings.When we expect all are okay but God knows better huh? Sabar ya..give yourself sometime to mourn and you'll be all better to try again. Kita sama2 try again huh? Hugz to you sister..Hanny.

Larawannabe said...

Hugs. And take care...

aNis said...

kngah, sorry for ur loss ....hope that u'll get well soon..dun be sad..we will always be there for u..saye doakan awak tabah menghadapi dugaan tuhan ni...take care & i ♥ u cuzzie..

NORA ANSHAR said...

ohhh dillz... i'm so sorry for your lost. cry your heart out, it's okay. take your time to heal ya. dr. hamid's words are so spot on, InsyaAllah. Allah knows best.

In the mean time, have a good rest and take great care! *BIG HUG*

Aznita@Terk said...

InsyaAllah maybe this is the best for you and the baby..take care k.dill,dun give up okay..rest well.

adzue said...

take care kak dilla. we mourn for the loss, but at the same time must not forget the ones that are already there.
*hugs*

dillazag said...

Rin:
It's OK my dear. Insya Allah I will be OK. You take care too. :)

Odie:
I guess one will never know unless one goes through it oneself, kan? To think that it was only 9weeks on. I didn't expect to be that attached yet. Oh well, life has to go on, right? Thanks for the well wishes, dear...

Aapitz said...

alerr kak dillz, baru jumpa harituh kan...

So sorry to hear about this...sgt terperanjat okay...

U take care and rest well....insyaallah akan ader rezeki next time... Chill sis..

dillazag said...

Hanny,
At that point in time, nothing else mattered. I was also surprised on how attached I was seeing the pregnancy was only onto its 9th week. Once the mourning is over, the living can start. (Try harder, ya sista!)

Lara,
Thanks dearest. The hug helps!

dillazag said...

Teelong,
Insya Allah.. Thanks yang.

Noresh,
The two weeks MC really helps. I intend to wallow in self-pity for as long as I want before coming out stronger. Hugs back and you take care too, babe.

dillazag said...

Terk,
Salam, adinda. Bila balik Malaysia? Thanks for the well wishes.

Adzue,
That is so precisely true. When I came back home today, I realised how much I missed my kids. :) Masing2 ada kelebihannya.

dillazag said...

Aapitz,
Jangan kata awak. Saya pun terperanjat OK? Insya Allah all will be well. Thanks dearest!

Along said...

Dilla, I had 3 miscarriages before Daria so I understand the pain and hurt you're going thru. Please don't think it's your fault coz that's what I did and it made recovering mentally so much harder.
I hope the D&C went well and you're doing beter now. Take the time off to pamper yourself and spend time with your children. Just remeber, rezeki Allah beri...Dia tak pernah cakap NO...just not yet.

zaimanik said...

Hi Dilla..just read about it this morning..I hope the D&C went well..all the best for you and your family and I know you'll bounce back to your normal self...because you're Dilla..the positive queen

nliana said...

Kak Dilla.. take care! Get well soon..

n.i. said...

hi dear... sorry to hear about it... ada hikmah insya Allah... i had one miscarriage before (a very painful one) so i understand what you go through... what dr. Hamid said is true... be strong ok... should u need someone to talk to, i'm here :-) my sis, momster pun miscarried earlier this year, u can talk to her too for comfort... take care and don't forget to pantang ya? i pantang penuh for 20 days and pantang half-half for the next 3 months...

KS said...

**hugs**

selamat berpantang akak. take care.

Moi said...

k.dilla, so sorry for your loss. Take care, ok?

Superfluous_Babe said...

*hugs* .... kak dilla, sorry to hear abt this. hopefully kak dilla will go through this with hati yang tabah. kami semua doakan for your health. insyaALLAH, bila dah sampai masanya nanti ALLAH akan bg rezeki tu for you n family. take care tau.



p/s: kite pun dah excited nk dpt anak sedara baru ... huhuhu

dillazag said...

Along,
That is so true. It was way easier to recover physically, just the emotional part that I am struggling with. Yes, I did use my 2 weeks MC to just be in the moment with my three kids, so much so that aku dah malas nak kerja. Boleh? hihihihihi

Zai,
Hello, dear. I am much better, thanks. Thank you so much for your kind words. :)

dillazag said...

Liana,
Thank you, dear. I will! :)

n.i,
Wah! 20 days of full pantang? I only did 2 weeks. :) So good lah you. Have I said congratulations for the new baby Jameela yet? COngrats dearest! BTW, saya nak baca blog awak! Invite pls:: dillazag@gmail.com

dillazag said...

KS,
Ya seronok dok kat rumah la matun. Maleh gila nak kerja dah. Bila boleh jadi tai-tai ni?

Moi,
Thanks dear. I will. :)

dillazag said...

Zasya,
Thanks so much, dear. Insya Allah, adalah rezeki yang lain. But, tiga orang ni pun dah OK. :)