Thursday, October 27, 2011

Back and Moving On

This would have been our 15th or 16th week. Second trimester? Yes, I think that should be about right. I stopped counting a while back already. I had my D&C procedure last 18th of September 2011. My third miscarriage in the span of 1 year and 2 months. Taking quite a toll on my body and also my heart...

I THINK I have moved on. Sudah redha dan sudah move on. Insya Allah..

When it first dawned on me that it was not meant to be (again) this time, I felt more confused than anything else. So, here's the story.. (I just had to pen it down for myself. So bear with me, ya)

I spotted some bleeding that Thursday night of 15th September 2011. Multiple small spots of bloody stains. I was just glad I got to complete my Puasa Enam. Was supposed to beraya sakan thereafter. I started to get an uneasy seeing the similarities in my previous experience. Talked it over with my husband, spoke over the phone with Lily. We decided that it's best that I rest and get it checked as soon as I could.

We had the MASiF rehearsals that night, kids were supposed to be at KLCC concourse area by 10pm. After the rehearsals were over, we headed back to Ziezi's house for a sleepover. I didn't feel quite right about it. So, Ziezi and Zurin took me to Gleneagle's A&E at around 1am. The MO told me to rest, to take it slow. I asked if there were anything that they could give me to stop the bleeding for sure, which by that time wasn't that much anyways. She said that there are some things that could be prescribed, but she'd rather if I waited for my OB/GYN's advice. In any case, they can't really tell that much until an ultrasound is done to see the current condition of the fetus. So, OK lah. We went home.

The next day, the bleeding seemed to stop, it reduced to brown discharges and I went about my business as usual. Kids had a lot of fun during the MASiF festival but unfortunately, around Maghrib time that day, I noticed that the bleeding was back with a vengeance. We headed to Pantai A&E and the MO consulted my OB/GYN - I was administered an injection to the butt and was admitted for the night.

Next morning, Dr Hamid came to see me. He said to be sure, we need to do an ultrasound and the next course of action will depend on the results. It the embryo was stable, then he would suggest a week's worth of bed rest. Which means - stay at home, on the bed, leaving only if you need to pee and such.

I was wheeled for Ultrasound in my pajamas. Alone this time. Hubs was still at home and making his way to the hospital. Wah! Masa tu, perasaan memang tak keruan. I was, obviously, fearing the worst. When the radiologist was taking more time than I thought she should, I knew for sure, my nightmare had turned into a reality.

Dillz: "You tak jumpa ke?"
Radiologist: "Why do you say that?"
Dillz: "My uterus is retroverted, so it's quite hard to locate it"
She smiled and said, "Let me check for a while"
Jantung aku dah dup.dap.dup.dap. kencang gila.
She went about taking multiple positions, stopping and scanning and moving the probe around my belly once again. The silence was deafening.
Radiologist: "I'm sorry, but I can't seem to find the fetus. The sac is empty."
Dillz: "Blighted ovum, ya?"
Radiologist: "Seems that way. I'm sorry"
"It's OK" was what I heard I say out loud, but it really was NOT OK...

I BBMed my husband straight away. I appeared OK; I guess, but the emotions that was really bottled in me was really intense and confusing. Rasa nak menangis, but not even one tear materialized. I guess it was just waiting for Azrul to get there and hug me and tell me that it will all be OK.

Wheeled back to my room, to my waiting adik bongsu who kept me company for the night. Just told her that it was not meant to be and I patiently waited. He was there within a few minutes, but it really felt like eternity. As soon as he hugged me, whispering that "It's OK, dah tak ada rezeki", the tears came pouring down like I just turned on the tap. I was crying and sobbing, finally letting me feel my loss.

So, itulah ceritanya. Blighted ovum.

What that means in layman terms is that the fetus did not develop at all. I only had a growing sac in my uterus, with nothing inside. Not a blob, no heartbeat, nothing. It's one of the common reasons for early-term miscarriages. Dah memang tak ada rezeki. So, saya pun redha lah.

Buat masa ni, I am on a break. My uterus obviously needs it. Only time can tell whether temporary mahupun permanent. ;)

-dillz blogging out-


jelita78 said...

oh hun...
so sorry for your loss..
ada habuk lak masuk mata aku ni tetiba berair..

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry tht u had to go thru all that. So sedih baca ur entry n what u went thru. :( ur a very strong person, masyaAllah. And ur lucky u hv support fr so many loving family members. Take care. - Rin

dillazag said...

Hey jelita,

Been away from blogging for far too long. I just had to write that piece to move on. Aku pun sedih sebenarnya mengingat balik. But my blog is for me to remember all things, good and bad. Therapeutic jugak, letting things go. Hopefully I will not forget this experience.

dillazag said...

Hi Rin,
How has your trip been? Doakan saya bila teringat ya. Love ya babe. Semoga mendapat haji yang mabrur.

Eh wait, ni Hasrinda ke floweRinthedessert? Confuse kejap.

Anonymous said...

Be strong and take care Dear Sis! Allah tahu yang terbaik!


Didie said...

Insya Allah Kak Dilla, ada rezeki lain and hikmah di sebaliknya. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

it's ok, it's allright, come on dills fight fight fight! hehehe..

Oh well, im here to bring u comfort food anytime bebeh. hugsss!


dillazag said...

So sweet of you. I do know that, just needed to pen down this experience. I didn't want to forget.

Insya Allah. Time will tell , huh?

Mana biskut sweden ni??? Tak sampai-sampai round kedua.. Love ya hunneh!

nadya.s said...

kak dillz,
i heart you, tough mama. insyaAllah ada lagi rezeki nanti k. ada sebab Allah tak bg sekarang, selalunya lepas setiap ujian, insyaAllah ada 'reward' dari-Nya.

i love u and big bear hugs!

KS said...

Again, hugs.

(bukan tanak komen panjang2 tapi i pon sedih kak sebab teringat)

dillazag said...

I heart you too. Big big bear hugs! :*

Saya juga faham. I cry every time I reread this post. Love ya babe. You take care too, ok?

Yan said...

breaks my heart..:( truly sorry for ur loss...thanks for sharing tho..and am so glad u're baaaaaack!!! miss ur celotehs ;)

Amy said...

*sigh* rumah Amy pun banyak habuk ni, abis masuk mata. Tsk tsk. *hug akak lelama*

Along said...

Get loads of rest. That's the best thing you can do for yourself right now. You know, I've been there too. And I can tell you, the heartache doesn't stop but it fades. Kena ingat, rezeki Allah yang tentukan. We can just try and hope and pray. Hugs and kisses lots!!

dillazag said...

Thank you dear. *hugs*
Looks like I am bad lah. Bertalu-talu posts dalam dua-tiga hari ni. For how long yang tak leh janji tu... :)

bila mau jumpa?

dillazag said...

That's the plan, dear. Resting for a tad. :)

-LaiLa- said...

*hugs* kak dilla

dillazag said...

Thanks miss laila.. :)